grief

my puffy eyes are starring at this blank, empty screen on my blog yet again...

I want to write something meaningful, something that will make me look back and remind me from time to time that I love my nanny dearly and that I will always miss her with all my heart.

She passed this morning right after I sent her off...over the phone...

"You can go now, you don't have to worry about me." that's the rough English translation of it...I said it to her in a Chinese dialect, Hakka, a language that I can speak quite fluently; she took the full credit on this.

Right after I said that, she passed...

All my family pointed out the obvious to me, in the midst of me trying to keep my composure, reminding me that I have been preparing myself for this.

"She was really waiting to hear your voice," my brother, my mom, and one of my cousin said that to me. I broke down.

All I could remember of were the times I was mean to her when I was a teenager. All I could think of was I haven't had a chance to apologize to her. My guilt starts kicking in...I was upset. Then I felt alone...thankfully not too long because I called my sister right away...and I got to spend time with her and my nieces, which help tremendously.

I still don't know how to mourn. I feel empty and sad. I feel angry at those who told me to be strong and I feel like a jackass telling some friends of mine who went through this experience to be strong...because no matter what, loosing someone you love is not easy.

But I know I will be okay. I know in the midst of this heartbreaking experience, God has His ways on guiding me through the great attentions I get from my dear friends, family, and a new relationship I am in.

Telling a story of how you passed is a start...there will be a lot more stories that will remind me of you. I love you a lot and you will be missed, Kice. I am never a person I am today if it's not because of you. I know you're in a better place right now. Rest in peace....and say hi to Belle for me.

"Remembering the past gives power to the present"

Indeed...

For those who's going through tough times...

Post Marathon Random Thoughts

4:43:07 yo!

Special thanks to Adi who ran with me at the last miles, Tinia who attempted to run and yelled at me and Doris who flew from LA to cheer me up! and all my friends from SF who came out and cheered for me!!

Everything happens for a reason.

I am truly blessed with the people surrounding me right now.

New career path is exciting!

I love my friends.

The Kids Are All Right is a really good movie :)

I still miss my family back home.

My Nanny's health isn't getting any better and she's always in my thought.

I'm always worried.

Back to the gym now.

He makes me smile. a lot.