growing pains

Tinia told me that I'm naive for thinking that his friends are actually my friends too

Just when I thought I'm feeling better...there's always something that makes me feel like taking the bullet.

Slowly...there will be one day, when I feel nothing when I hear of you

starting from zero

I'm a blank canvass

very catchy...

=/

Sooo my Dad is leaving tomorrow and I still haven't found that courage of coming out to him...why? Because I am not where I wanna be at right now. I don't have a job yet and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally. I guess it's true what they say...it's hard to come out...it's also hard not to.

It's been officially almost 5 months of me being unemployed. I can't stand it. I hate it. I feel like none of the things in my life have been accomplished...

I need to keep reminding myself to be really positive...I guess I really can't look anywhere else but up...and for now, just be thankful for the friends I have and the love my family is giving me...especially her...she really has a power of making me smile...

I'm gonna miss my Dad...

Awww...you guys made me ink!!!!

So Erik, Adi and I went to Disneyland yesterday. Thanks to Erik's lasting and strong friendship with his ex, we get to enjoy both parks without paying for it. Granted, we have to buy the ex a drink from each of us...but that's totally worth it! I wish I have the same friendship with my ex like Erik does...(but that's just another blog to write about) ;)

We started late...around 1 p.m. or so...then we started getting all of the fast passes we could get although not a lot...Anyways...not the point of the blog...the point is...all the places I go reminds me of him....including this theme park...I hate it....but what I don't hate is when I'm trying to replace my memories with him with new ones with my boys....they really are my boys and as much as they sometimes "made me ink", I love them.





next place...Hawaii =) but maybe not til later later hahah

[+] [+] [+]

Look at this...


this is a picture of two of my role models

=)

gotta keep telling myself...I will be like them one day...positive, positive, positive....

Family. Love. Drive.

Soooo my parents are here..they've been here for a week now and I am glad that I got to spend time with them. Although sometimes they drive me crazy...but hey, that's why they're called parents, right? :P

A couple of things to share...my parents have been bugging me with the whole girlfriend thing. I am not surprise though because I know I'm at that age. BUT, I really thought that I prepared myself for them to bug me...I was wrong...

It started with my Dad telling me that I need to find someone to share with, cuz then everything will fall into places...he means meeting a girl, then a marriage, then kids...then those things will become factors that will drive me to be a successful man. This whole time he was explaining, my Mom jumped in once in a while too...

I pictured this moment way before my parents arrived. And I pictured myself just rolling my eyes and thinking maybe I should just come out right there and then....but what I didn't picture, is me...sitting there...agreeing with them...I can't help but to think that they're right...I want that drive, I want to be the man in the house that brings home the dough...and when I think of the gay lifestyle, kids don't just come unexpected...they're planned.

I sometimes question..is it cool to jump into things without really knowing anything and just feel your ways around it? No plan...just go, and hope for the best...that's what my Dad did with my Mom...then he had three kids and he's able to afford all of them to go to the U.S. for college.

I want a family. I want to be like my Dad...I want that drive, with the love of my partner, and kids...at one point I felt like I can't have that because I'm gay. But then again, my roommate made me realize that I am what I have now and I should make the most out of it. :) I'm hopeful that one day, at one point, I WILL have the drive that my Dad has.

I wanna be as happy as my Dad, getting the love as tremendous as my Mom's and still hold hands even after they get married for 36 years...=)

passion

What have been keeping me smiling lately...

Thank you, God. =)

Just when I think the going gets tough...He always has His ways in picking myself back up again.

I've been hanging out with my family a lot. My parents are here, I got to spend time a lot with Calie. The cutest thing is when she wanted me to hold her when she sleeps...she really really makes me smile.

Best gift from Him? I'm officially an uncle again!! :)

Welcome, Baby Kara :)

She was born on May 13, 2009 at 3:57 AM, same exact birthday as my Mom's
She is waaayyy calmer than Calie when she was born
She only has one dimple on her right cheek just like her uncle lol...

Now I have two little girls calling me "Soiku" :) can't wait to take em both to Disneyland together...wait...NVM, I can wait...don't want them to grow big too fast just yet.

I'm slowly back :) thanks to You.

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

waking up...

is still the hardest thing to do...

All I think of is that he's out there loving someone else but me...
He's kissing someone else in the morning but me...
He's watching a movie, holding hands with him but not me...

day 5 of sorrow...

let me be.

I'll be back.

I promise.

I watch the sunset, while you watch it rise.
Flame colored teardrops burn in my eyes.
While you find another day, thousands of miles away.
One more night finds me alone, holding on
To the simple and sweetest thought of you-
Its you, its you.
Ill out dance the ocean, parade in the sand.
Waiting for you, Ill wait like no other man.
For you to come into me, lay skin to skin with me.
Making me smile and smile-its been a while.
Still, making my memories come true.
Its you, its you.
I told her all my thoughts on loneliness.
Shared with her all my fears of afraid.
Maybe there's no point trying to paint the picture,
Wondering what if she couldve stayed.
So dont send me no letters, I wont drop you no line.
Things will get better, baby in due time.
Just keep me in your prayer and Ill keep you right here-
Deep in this heart of mine, cause I find,
The only thing that helps me make it through
Is you, its you.

dealing it the way i know how...

Won't Even Start

It's here...

Dear Nathan,

The day I have been dreading is here...funny thing is...the first thing that I thought of was that I won. I was right...I remember when you told me that I will find someone first after we broke up and I said...it's going to be you first....a friend told me today that you're in a relationship with some guy name Denny now.

It hurts....I cried...I'm not gonna lie...all the thoughts of you telling me that you don't want to deal with the whole emotional things in a relationship...that was with me. Obviously that hurts my ego....I'm sad I'm not the one who can make you happy anymore....I've been telling myself that it's over...but for the first time, I actually feel it...that it IS really over now...you have replaced me.

If there's one last thing I can have, I hope at least at one point in our relationship, you felt the love I have for you.

I hope he treats you well...way better than I did to you.

I'll be OK

I'll smile one day

I'm Yours

isn't my song.

funk...leave...

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my delayed flight back to LA...I had fun this weekend for my graduation...although none of my family were at my graduation, my extended ones were :). Trang, Prelita, and Adi...thanks so so so so much for being there...it just reminded me that I am at least a descent human being to have special friends like you guys to be at one of my defining moments in life :)

OK, the real content for this blog...

I've always thought myself as a happy drunk...I guess there's always a first time for everything...I went out to celebrate..and of course, things led from one thing to another...drinks after drinks...shots after shots...then I got drunk...going to the bathroom to throw up is usual when I'm drunk...but this is the unusual part...I started breaking down...to some people, I may be referred as a "sad" drunk. I know there's a lot of things that's on my mind...but damn I've never thought that I'd be one of those people who broke down when I'm intoxicated...I've always been the funny guy when I'm drunk...anyways...I've just realized that I'm actually way sadder than I thought I am...oh well...as Trang would put it...I got it out of my system...

I'm just blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me.

And at least I still tried to be funny even while crying...right, P? :P

Continued...sitting here at the airport, waiting for my flight to SF. So I looked back...then I thought, damn, what is it the one thing that I have achieved, that I'm really really proud of? It took me a couple of seconds to just stop and think about it...I mean, there's the master degree and all... But really... Have I accomplished anything? This 4 months of unemployment really make me feel discouraged :(. I'm going to SF for my graduation. None of my family is coming but I take the blame for not communicating it well to them...I guess I really feel like there's nothing to be celebrated...

It's weird when some acquaintance, whom u haven't seen for years, asked you what have you been upto? Then it kinda made you look back and think of the things that you hve been up to.... I looked back...to be continued...