All I want for Christmas is...

A better Yonius

*SIGH*

Whoever get this...and is single...call me..

I am definitely his....

Love is... :)

Waiting...

I woke up this morning and it just dawned on me. This whole time, I was being a hypocrite.

Here I am telling myself everyday that love will happens when it happens. But yet, I am waiting...just waiting for it to happen.

There are a lot of wise sayings out there that I grew up with, believe in, and told to...one of which is don't wait, do something.

Oh I did something alright. I joined match, I go out on dates. I am putting myself out there.

At first, I realized that the "It will happen when it happens" and the "waiting" part are two completely contradictions. Then I had a further realization...thanks to my boy, Adi...

He called...and told me the homili for this week...long story short, a woman and her daughter were standing in line when shopping a day after Thanksgiving day...then the daughter, impatiently asked her Mom, "Why do we have to wait?" The Mom, smiling at her daughter, answered "Waiting is a good thing."

So this whole time...I never realized this...I was being impatient. What a perfect way to end my Sunday night...thank you, Adi. :)

"But who can distinguish between falling in love and imagining falling in love? Even genuinely falling in love is an act of the imagination."

- John Irving

Chemistry 101

Funny how it works.

You can fulfill all the criteria I want in a guy...but you need chemistry to make it complete.

I miss that feeling.

Teach me again.

Type Orgasm!!!!

thanks, Joey for sharing this:

New Project: Match.com

Lame...Leen and I just signed up on....yes....match.com

And we're gonna write a blog on each "encounter" we experience...let that be email chains, online chatting conversations, phone conversations, and of course, the actual date(s)...this is going to be fun...

We spent $135.94 collectively....

This better be worth it...

Surroundings...

A quiet Saturday night calls for a reminisce on my surroundings...here are a few that's been sticking in my head lately:

Random conversations

Me: I'm going out on a date with this Indian guy...
Leen: They stink...might as well stick with the black guys...at least they're hotter

(while on a date, a text from Leen)
Leen: Is [his accent] as thick as his scent?

- • -

Me: You better invite me to your wedding
Dan: Of course! Heck, you keep it up, you might be standing at my wedding

- • -

An email from Tinia:

"I want you to save money as much as you can. In a year or couple years, hopefully you can buy your 1st condo or something, and then, let's just pray that gay marriage is legalized in Cali by then and you have the perfect man by yourside (by then) Always remember, saving is a must, you never know when it's going to rain, and besides, house and wedding needs a lots of money and love I know u like to go out, but please try to save as much as u can"

Tinia

- • -

Triple T X (Text To The EX)

Sorry for the lame title...was trying to come up with something catchy ahhaa...so..Ryan Leslie just came up with a new album on November 3. I remember when I first bought his new album, Nathan was the one who introduced me to him. I don't remember exactly how he said it but I remember him comparing Ryan Leslie to Craig David, which is also one of my favorite artist.

My lame-self thought about sending Nathan a text when I purchase Ryan Leslie's new album, even before the album came out...I thought and thought about it for days...I even consulted with my coworker and a few of my close friends

Sent him the text. Never heard from him.

Do I secretly hoping a reply? yes.

Was I prepared to disappoint myself by expecting him to NOT send me any reply? sadly...yes.

I hate proofing myself right sometimes.

I genuinely hope he is well.

Good day :)

It's cold FYI...L.A. standard cold..hahah

time

Hi blog,

I guess Fall season has officially started...Halloween is right around the corner, right after that, I bet you all the stores are going to put up some Christmas lights and trees...it's crazy how times goes by really fast.

I'm sorry I've been kinda lagging on writing...only because I'm lazy...and I tried writing a couple of times but my mind just wasn't there. I just had Pho and took a 30-min bath, accompanied by Ne-Yo...so now I'm ready haha.

Where do I start? Since my last entry, work has been slowing down. I've been getting off work on time and been going to the gym in the evening now instead of in the morning. I just find myself sleeping later because I have a TV now.

With that, I went to San Francisco for a short vacation. Saw a few of my friends although I wished I could spend more time with some of them. My highlight for that trip was when I walked down to the Muni Station in Powell from Prelita's place by myself, listening to my iPod...I had a chance to kinda relax..and reflect...then I realized...I spent most of my time being sad in San Francisco...trying to get over Nathan....it's like that feeling provoked when you listen to a certain song or watching a certain movie.

Despite the great people and great atmosphere, SF just puts me back into that mood. Sucks I know, but I still loved my experience up there and I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Lately, I've had a couple of friends who reach out to me and tell me about their love troubles...one likes someone who doesn't like him back and he's really discouraged by it and not having a clue what to do...the other one is questioning the world what is wrong with him because he has never been in a relationship before.

I wish I could help them and tell them that everything will be OK and that they will find someone...but honestly, I'm not even sure. All I know is I don't want to be regretting every encounter I have by not taking a chance. I don't want to be that one silly guy who hopes for someone to just show up in front of my door and sweep my feet away.

so Yonius...this is to remind yourself to take chances. Fall..hard..get hurt..because there's that one thing that will heal you when you get hurt: time. It worked healing my first cut :). Although it took me a whole lot longer than the norm, it did heal me at the end.

Then again, time DOES goes by fast, right?

Thanks, time. :)

Just something smile-inducing that I came across...

Come back, Yonius!

I know it's kinda odd but I haven't feeling like I am myself lately. It's like I get to see myself from an outside person's eyes. It's weird. I can't explain but I know I don't like it. Especially in my friendship department....I haven't been a really good friend. Or even when I try, I complain when there's a hiccup.

I need to get back to being Yonius. I think I'm kinda wandering around that it made me lost my true self lately. Hey, at least I realize it right? baby steps...

Had Boiling Crab again today to celebrate Tinia's bday. We actually ordered crab and I cracked one open full of meat, gave it to Tinia who sat right next to me and I say "Happy Birthday" to her...with lots of love :)

You know what it reminded me of though? Nathan...we both love seafood. He used to crack one open for me all the time and gave it to me without even second-thinking about having the meat for himself....for those of you who knows how to crack crab meats...it's not easy...all I'm saying is..a simple gesture of love like that...I miss it. He's a good guy, I must say. We're just not meant to be and I feel OK with it..I also must tell myself that it is OK to miss him sometime.

I took a freakin 3 hours nap during the day today...and with that, a very bizarre dream came with it. I had a PDA moment with a guy...blurry...all I know is that I was so attracted to him in my dreams...this is the kicker...the PDA moment was in front of my parents and my sister...hmmm..hahah

I miss having someone. I think that's a no-brainer. But I'm kinda tired trying too hard to make it happen. Even when you think you are having the greatest connection with someone...in which I have had that experience, it doesn't necessarily mean anything until it happens.

*duh* Yonius...not so genius after all, are you...

Things to look forward to:
- Erik's bday weekend because Adi will be down here.
- my SF weekend a week after that.

I love my co workers. :)

contentment

Hi Blog,

A little update. I have been busy with work. On the weekends, I either work, hang out with my roommate, my close friends, or my niece. Nothing have really changed.

I got a raise. Not what I wanted. But it's still a raise so I need to count my blessings :)

I miss him. :( no...not him...but him...ha!

You live. You learn. You move on.

I keep telling myself. It's just bad timing.

It's my sister's 35th birthday tomorrow and I made her something small.



I'm content with where I am. For now.

makes me melty...

sexiest line ever

Thanks, Doris for writing this about me...

This weekend

Hey blog,

Pardon my very "to the point" blog because I gotta wake up early tomorrow to go to the gym but here's my highlight of my weekend:

• I went to Target and bought this:

then I realized how single I was cuz no one is rubbing my back =[ haha.

• Went jogging with Grace & Ross on Saturday morning in downtown LA. That was fun! Then we had brunch at Melrose, went shopping with Ross at Rodeo Dr while waiting for Grace with her "landscaping appt" hahaha....I got this:
and while walking back to Ross' car...guess who I bumped into:

HIM! you GOTTA love LA!! :D

• Had a nice dinner with Leen at Obar

• Went hang-gliding on Saturday with Elain, Fee, Bho, Danric, and Helen
made a new friend:
and got sun-burned....

• And I ended the night with a sweet sushi dinner and dessert @ Diddy Riese...

Good weekend :)

Labor day weekend

I feel emo today. I don't know why. I think it's the special brownies Leen made...I'll just blame it on them.

I've been feeling a little discouraged by love lately. Although I've been telling myself the more I chase it the harder it'll get to me, I think I've been doing quite the opposite. I think I'm trying...perhaps a little too hard.

Every time something happens, where I encounter a possible new chapter on my love life, something else happens right after to tell me that it is not the right timing/person. This one guy has been occupying my mind...but nothing major is happening that it sorta made me gave up on the idea of us going somewhere....distance has a lot to do with it...or at least I'm trying to justify it that way.

I'm friends with Nathan's friends again on Facebook. Then I encountered this little tagging thing he did...some familiar people, some I don't know...another confirmation of how easy it is to be out of someone else's life...

He tagged his boyfriend as "Someone who he cannot live without." Not gonna lie...a little envious for two, different sides of reasons...1 because I'm not his boyfriend anymore, 2 because he has someone whom he realizes he can't live without...this time I must say, the latter one has more effect than the first one.

Either way, I want to feel like that again.

This phase better be gone soon...

What is the truth?

Last night was another blessed night I get to have. I get to hang out with Calie, the only person that can seem to just pick me up when I'm down or having a bad day. She makes me look at the world in the most simplistic ways and forms.

We were watching Aladdin together...and then there was a scene in the movie where Aladdin was pretending to be a Sultan and try to woo Jasmine. She then found out that he was the street rat that stole the apple for her...she was mad and question him...somewhere along that scene, Jasmine said, "Why didn't you just tell the truth to me?"

Calie turned and asked me, "Soiku, what is the truth?" The simplest question yet it took me a while to think about it. I could be technical and tried to explain it to her...but the 3 and a half year old would probably be confused. Or I can just put it in the most simplistic way...I told her..."the truth is when you speak from here (point to her heart), honey." She starred at me...you can tell she was thinking about it...then she said..."Like when I say...my name is Calie?" I laughed...I said to her..."that is the truth" :)

I swear, I surprise myself sometimes...I surprise myself lately. I've been speaking from my heart :) More quality time with Calie :)

Nice guys finish last...

Today's blog is about being a guy who's not giving up when it comes to finding love. We've all heard it before...all of these great theories when it comes to chasing someone or being chased...Everything from "the more you chase it, the harder you'll get it." or "you can't hurry love" or "you should play the game," "He's just not that into you," or "don't put your eggs in one basket."

Well...let's just say that I've heard all of those in a span of 1 week. Or maybe those sayings are just more apparent these past few weeks...why? it's obvious...cuz i'm "in like."

I'm scared, excited, happy, scared, foolish, silly, dumb, inspired, energized, giddy, every single emotions I could feel, I feel them all at the same time....did I mention that I'm scared?

Do I like it? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I do because I feel that butterfly feeling again...I feel those moments of not being able to let both my cheeks come down and relax...they keep raising up...my chinky eyes keep getting chinkier and chinkier....I don't because I'm afraid that I'm starting to feel a little attached...I'm starting to wonder what is he doing right now, what is he eating, is he thinking about me? is he talking to someone else? psycho, i know...

So I do what I do best, being myself. But being myself means I'm letting my wall down...being myself means I'm showing my foolishness...which I don't know if it's attractive or pushing that person away from me...being myself, also means that I'm kinda handing my heart pieces by pieces to him...will he crush it after he gets it? I don't know...the "not knowing" part kinda drives me crazy....but at the same time...it kinda gives me the rush, the rush of finding out and the excitement of not knowing...everything is jumbled up.

Being myself, also means being nice...willingness to do things for the person you care for...I'm nice, but should I be mysterious? because that's what intrigues people, right? that's what makes people interested in you...because they say nice guys finish last, right?

But I can't help but to question back...in this case, don't you want to finish last? don't you want to be the last person your loved ones choose? I mean, we finish last, but at least we finish, right? we finish with the ones that choose you...and you're the last person...no one else after you...isn't that the whole point?

All I know now...is that I'm using this quote as my inspiration:

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” - Rose Franken

I know for sure I'm a silly guy when it comes to this...silly Yonius...*sigh*

PS: Happy Birthday, GF...I love you.

Come on lines...

So I gotta blog about this...of all of the flirty lines that I have heard, let that be from a message, a chat over IM, a voice mail, a phone conversation, or even in person, this is by far the best one...

"I want you to fix the kerning between you and I"

*sigh* he makes me giddy :) he speaks design! haha...but then again, I tried to contain myself to not to get too excited. What is giddy anyway? I felt that before...but I really like him :) I just don't wanna jinx it.

So far..

Despite the more than two visits to the Indonesian Consulate to take care of my passport, I managed to still have great days. Gotta start with this past weekend...I hung out with my remedy. And as always, she makes me smile and laugh a lot..

She made me promise her to take her to SeaWorld one of these days before the summer ends...I know for sure it will be a fun day :).

On that same day, I had to go to my Godson's bday party all the way in Corona...all I can say is, time went by fast!
Look at this boy!!! At least he got all my attention :) he deserves it!

And of course, it's always nice to see my pledge bros and pledge mom, minus Aisha and Belinda...

Random things:

• Had a great brunch with Joel on Sunday...he can be a good mentor for me.
• Been starting to jump into the dating world again...not expecting anything out of it. I honestly just see it as an opportunity for me to explore L.A.
• Work is busy! and I like it! :D
• My coworker is so sweet today, we had a petty conversation over Iced Cafe Mocha from the cafe across the street. I have mentioned it to him that I liked it. Seeing that I was swamped today, he came to my desk and bought me an iced cafe mocha...just what I needed for a swamped day at work! :D
• I think I'm in like :) don't want to jinx it tho.
• I just like feeling giddy
• Bought an aquarium :)
• I know it's super late...but I'm starting to read Harry Potter...lol...
• If you haven't seen Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, you gotta see it!
  

'Leen' on me

I have to dedicate this weekend to my roommate, Leen. Thanks to her, I FINALLY started my first summer weekend. With both of our crazy schedules these past few weeks, we haven't had a chance to explore LA and hung out til this weekend. I gotta share...

It started on Thursday night, where she made a couple of drinks for us and then we went through my Downelink account to look for potential dates for me. That was fun...as she puts it, I can't just sit and wait for guys to message me...it's my turn to "send out my resume" to them. Hahah. She said, "It's just like looking for a job..you send out a lot of resumes...then you get an 'interview' and then you get the job!" ahaha....So we did...it was fun...we made fun of people, we laughed...all good..

Then Friday night, we went to see Tyrone Wells at Trubadour in West Hollywood. We got there early and I haven't had dinner yet. So we walked to the nearest restaurant to get something to eat real quick since, as Leen puts it, WeHo is "my hood" hahaha...the coolest thing was when we walked to the restaurant, we bumped into Tyrone Wells, the man of the night himself, I called him "Tyrone!" and he stopped and shook our hands and thanked us for coming to the show...that was cool :)

Leen and I @ Hamburger Haven

Tyrone, the man.

Saturday night, Leen got us tickets to go see a comedy show at The Laugh Factory. It was the best night ever! It was my first time as it was for Leen. I laughed like there was no tomorrow, I haven't laughed like that in a while. Then after the show ended, we walked to a bar called Lola's and had a glass of martini there. Then Erik picked us up to go to Akbar in Silverlake...that was ok..I think we had our fun regardless. We had our sinful, backstreet love action with a cup of Rocky Road and a cup of Chocolate Mint ice cream...yummm..

Us, in front of The Laugh Factory

In front of Akbar, they have this bubble machine, it was fun!

This is us, everyday, I give her love, she gives me a slap..*sigh*

Yo, Leen, Thong(?!!)

Then the next day, to counteract our love action, Leen and I went running at the Will Rogers beach (supposedly the gay beach of L.A.) then met up again with Erik and his friends there...shall I say, it was an interesting beach...you seriously will know when you go to that beach that it IS a gay beach...lol...98% of the guys there have chiseled body like those guys in A&F catalogs. You hear either Mariah Carey, Madonna, or Beyonce's songs on their portable iPod boom boxes....some of the guys also dance along with the music...Also, I'm starting to think that Volley ball is a gay sport...hahaha...but hey, we got our tan...oh! and I attempted to make new friends while I was there too...I volunteered myself to play volley with one of the groups there...I was pretty proud of myself!! :D

@ Will Rogers Beach

And to end the day? We went to The Boiling Crab!!!!!! FINALLY! I've been telling Leen that once I get a job, we're going there to celebrate! the thing is, we gotta go back there because Leen paid for dinner LoL...for sure the next time we go there, it's my turn!! :) Of course, can't end the night without Boba! ha!

I was ready !!!!

I'm good, I feel good, I wake up happy....The days are just getting better and better :). I knew I can count on my close friends! Next, it's time to follow Ms. LifeofMod's idea: get a gold fish. And I shall name it "rebound" hahaha. OH, and Happy Birthday, Doris :)

closure

Whenever I chat or express my feelings to my friends, when it comes to my inability to move on, several people say that maybe I need a closure. I really didn't understand what it means...I mean...I think I kinda get the concept...but never really knew what it actually meant...I even had to look it up on the dictionary hahaa...FOB...

So I listened...not only to my friends...but to my heart...for the mere reason that I cannot keep living like these past couple of weeks...I went to bed sad...I woke up sad..thinking that Bong is with someone else...but also..wondering if what he said to me was true...that I'm his biggest regret...that he really loved me, etc...

So my last resort was to write him an email...explaining that I needed my "closure" but really, what I want him to know is that I'm here as a friend. That MJ's song "I'll be there" is really how I feel about him.

He then wrote me back...short and simple by saying...of course he's up for being friends...and that he wants me to meet his new guy..to put it in a verbatim way, he said,"...he takes care of me and I do the same."

my first thought was...I'm fine...second thought that came after that...damn, I have REALLY been replaced....the thought that comes after that? Wow, he really is happy...there goes my 'closure' right there...

What have I learned? I learned that for me, letting go is actually to really know that the person that you really care for is happy without you. I just needed to know that. It may be different for other people. They can just let it go...but for me...I just have to know...

Now, I can finally let go of the thought that we may end up together. I'm happy if he is :). It may be too soon for me to meet the new guy but I would love to one day. I'm just really glad you are happy...now, it's my time to find the one who takes care of me, and I do the same ;)

Hi, Closure....my name is Yonius...nice to meet you. :)

10 Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

“The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it is immense. We send starships. We fall in love.”

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You

Girl you know I'm always thinking of you
Haven't seen the summer since I saw you
Baby don't worry 'bout us
I feel your love
I feel you inside

And I wish I was there
Just to run my hands through your hair
And I'm just afraid
Cause this is the first time
That I'm not loving you
And I'm not loving you

NO MORE BLUE...please :(

I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!

This is how lost I am...went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's and I picked up this wine...

Apparently, going to bed and waking up in the morning is the shittiest part of the day when you're heart broken.

I pray and pray every night and in the morning...please...just let me out of this misery. Give me peace to let him go.

I just wanna be like that smiley face on the bottle....please turn my frown upside down...:(

my first audio blog

It's about the same thing...same problem that i've been wallowing for this past two years...so don't say I didn't warn you ;)

voiceblog_June2809 - Yonius Saritoh

FACEBOOK IS EVIL

I gave up on it. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough...yet...I heard from a friend that more old people are signing up anyway...like their aunts and uncles..and moms and dads...so Facebook ain't cool in my book anymore.

Every time I see his name even only when he 'likes' a status update of our acquaintance gives me a sting. I don't like that feeling at all...worst of all...I got to see his new pictures with his new guy...that feels like taking a punch, like someone is pinching my heart real hard...

So I have to avoid it...whatever it takes for me to move on...GOD! I so wanna move on! I'm so ready...I've been ready!

Time to start checking off that list I made now that I have a JOB...:)

On a brighter note, I finally got my own office!! WOOT! well..I gotta share it with the IT dude but I totally have my own space...exciting!

So for those of you who read this...I love you...you're special...call/text if u wanna say hi...i'm only a phone call away...or email even...I'll give you a personal status update ;)

getting out of the blue...

Hi Blog,

I haven't written to you for a while...today deserves a celebration..It's Dad's bday, which falls exactly on Father's Day...my sister had a great idea of doing a little video for my Dad just cuz most of us, including my Mom, are here.



Quick translation:

Me: "Happy Birthday, pa. I wish I can look as good as you when I turn 60."
Ace: "Happy Birthday, pa. Wish you health and don't work too hard!"
Bro in law: "Happy Birthday, pa. Wish you health and prosperity."
Calie...self explanatory
Kara: "Happy Birthday, grandpa!!!"
Mom: "Happy Birthday and wish you great health."

A little update about my life....I FINALLY got a job!! WOOT! and I am starting tomorrow :) I'm really excited because it's what I wanna get into. I'll be in charge of the marketing design of the whole company.

As for the usual stuff...I'm slowly moving on...I think what made it hard was the fact that I was doing my "letting go" on his pace. We were still corresponding, I was still having strong feelings for Bong and he kept it rolling to compensate his lifestyle...I still put him on the pedestal..so when all of the sudden he cuts everything out...it's messing with my balance. Although I broke up with Bong, the reality was my love was being rejected. And I just need to remember that to move on. It's better this way...all the bad things are showing up on the surface to remind me why the relationship failed from the first place.

What's in my thoughts? I'm just SUPER excited to be focusing on my new job :) thank you, GOD!

growing pains

Tinia told me that I'm naive for thinking that his friends are actually my friends too

Just when I thought I'm feeling better...there's always something that makes me feel like taking the bullet.

Slowly...there will be one day, when I feel nothing when I hear of you

starting from zero

I'm a blank canvass

very catchy...

=/

Sooo my Dad is leaving tomorrow and I still haven't found that courage of coming out to him...why? Because I am not where I wanna be at right now. I don't have a job yet and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally. I guess it's true what they say...it's hard to come out...it's also hard not to.

It's been officially almost 5 months of me being unemployed. I can't stand it. I hate it. I feel like none of the things in my life have been accomplished...

I need to keep reminding myself to be really positive...I guess I really can't look anywhere else but up...and for now, just be thankful for the friends I have and the love my family is giving me...especially her...she really has a power of making me smile...

I'm gonna miss my Dad...

Awww...you guys made me ink!!!!

So Erik, Adi and I went to Disneyland yesterday. Thanks to Erik's lasting and strong friendship with his ex, we get to enjoy both parks without paying for it. Granted, we have to buy the ex a drink from each of us...but that's totally worth it! I wish I have the same friendship with my ex like Erik does...(but that's just another blog to write about) ;)

We started late...around 1 p.m. or so...then we started getting all of the fast passes we could get although not a lot...Anyways...not the point of the blog...the point is...all the places I go reminds me of him....including this theme park...I hate it....but what I don't hate is when I'm trying to replace my memories with him with new ones with my boys....they really are my boys and as much as they sometimes "made me ink", I love them.





next place...Hawaii =) but maybe not til later later hahah

[+] [+] [+]

Look at this...


this is a picture of two of my role models

=)

gotta keep telling myself...I will be like them one day...positive, positive, positive....

Family. Love. Drive.

Soooo my parents are here..they've been here for a week now and I am glad that I got to spend time with them. Although sometimes they drive me crazy...but hey, that's why they're called parents, right? :P

A couple of things to share...my parents have been bugging me with the whole girlfriend thing. I am not surprise though because I know I'm at that age. BUT, I really thought that I prepared myself for them to bug me...I was wrong...

It started with my Dad telling me that I need to find someone to share with, cuz then everything will fall into places...he means meeting a girl, then a marriage, then kids...then those things will become factors that will drive me to be a successful man. This whole time he was explaining, my Mom jumped in once in a while too...

I pictured this moment way before my parents arrived. And I pictured myself just rolling my eyes and thinking maybe I should just come out right there and then....but what I didn't picture, is me...sitting there...agreeing with them...I can't help but to think that they're right...I want that drive, I want to be the man in the house that brings home the dough...and when I think of the gay lifestyle, kids don't just come unexpected...they're planned.

I sometimes question..is it cool to jump into things without really knowing anything and just feel your ways around it? No plan...just go, and hope for the best...that's what my Dad did with my Mom...then he had three kids and he's able to afford all of them to go to the U.S. for college.

I want a family. I want to be like my Dad...I want that drive, with the love of my partner, and kids...at one point I felt like I can't have that because I'm gay. But then again, my roommate made me realize that I am what I have now and I should make the most out of it. :) I'm hopeful that one day, at one point, I WILL have the drive that my Dad has.

I wanna be as happy as my Dad, getting the love as tremendous as my Mom's and still hold hands even after they get married for 36 years...=)

passion

What have been keeping me smiling lately...

Thank you, God. =)

Just when I think the going gets tough...He always has His ways in picking myself back up again.

I've been hanging out with my family a lot. My parents are here, I got to spend time a lot with Calie. The cutest thing is when she wanted me to hold her when she sleeps...she really really makes me smile.

Best gift from Him? I'm officially an uncle again!! :)

Welcome, Baby Kara :)

She was born on May 13, 2009 at 3:57 AM, same exact birthday as my Mom's
She is waaayyy calmer than Calie when she was born
She only has one dimple on her right cheek just like her uncle lol...

Now I have two little girls calling me "Soiku" :) can't wait to take em both to Disneyland together...wait...NVM, I can wait...don't want them to grow big too fast just yet.

I'm slowly back :) thanks to You.

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

waking up...

is still the hardest thing to do...

All I think of is that he's out there loving someone else but me...
He's kissing someone else in the morning but me...
He's watching a movie, holding hands with him but not me...

day 5 of sorrow...

let me be.

I'll be back.

I promise.

I watch the sunset, while you watch it rise.
Flame colored teardrops burn in my eyes.
While you find another day, thousands of miles away.
One more night finds me alone, holding on
To the simple and sweetest thought of you-
Its you, its you.
Ill out dance the ocean, parade in the sand.
Waiting for you, Ill wait like no other man.
For you to come into me, lay skin to skin with me.
Making me smile and smile-its been a while.
Still, making my memories come true.
Its you, its you.
I told her all my thoughts on loneliness.
Shared with her all my fears of afraid.
Maybe there's no point trying to paint the picture,
Wondering what if she couldve stayed.
So dont send me no letters, I wont drop you no line.
Things will get better, baby in due time.
Just keep me in your prayer and Ill keep you right here-
Deep in this heart of mine, cause I find,
The only thing that helps me make it through
Is you, its you.

dealing it the way i know how...

Won't Even Start

It's here...

Dear Nathan,

The day I have been dreading is here...funny thing is...the first thing that I thought of was that I won. I was right...I remember when you told me that I will find someone first after we broke up and I said...it's going to be you first....a friend told me today that you're in a relationship with some guy name Denny now.

It hurts....I cried...I'm not gonna lie...all the thoughts of you telling me that you don't want to deal with the whole emotional things in a relationship...that was with me. Obviously that hurts my ego....I'm sad I'm not the one who can make you happy anymore....I've been telling myself that it's over...but for the first time, I actually feel it...that it IS really over now...you have replaced me.

If there's one last thing I can have, I hope at least at one point in our relationship, you felt the love I have for you.

I hope he treats you well...way better than I did to you.

I'll be OK

I'll smile one day

I'm Yours

isn't my song.

funk...leave...

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my delayed flight back to LA...I had fun this weekend for my graduation...although none of my family were at my graduation, my extended ones were :). Trang, Prelita, and Adi...thanks so so so so much for being there...it just reminded me that I am at least a descent human being to have special friends like you guys to be at one of my defining moments in life :)

OK, the real content for this blog...

I've always thought myself as a happy drunk...I guess there's always a first time for everything...I went out to celebrate..and of course, things led from one thing to another...drinks after drinks...shots after shots...then I got drunk...going to the bathroom to throw up is usual when I'm drunk...but this is the unusual part...I started breaking down...to some people, I may be referred as a "sad" drunk. I know there's a lot of things that's on my mind...but damn I've never thought that I'd be one of those people who broke down when I'm intoxicated...I've always been the funny guy when I'm drunk...anyways...I've just realized that I'm actually way sadder than I thought I am...oh well...as Trang would put it...I got it out of my system...

I'm just blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me.

And at least I still tried to be funny even while crying...right, P? :P

Continued...sitting here at the airport, waiting for my flight to SF. So I looked back...then I thought, damn, what is it the one thing that I have achieved, that I'm really really proud of? It took me a couple of seconds to just stop and think about it...I mean, there's the master degree and all... But really... Have I accomplished anything? This 4 months of unemployment really make me feel discouraged :(. I'm going to SF for my graduation. None of my family is coming but I take the blame for not communicating it well to them...I guess I really feel like there's nothing to be celebrated...

It's weird when some acquaintance, whom u haven't seen for years, asked you what have you been upto? Then it kinda made you look back and think of the things that you hve been up to.... I looked back...to be continued...

Beautifully Imperfect...

Won't Even Start....

So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talks anyways...

Cuz if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start...
No I won't even start...

.

I'm loosening my grip and dropping it on the ground...

Exciting weekend. Can't wait.

Thanks.

For doing me a favor.

It's funny how the friend that I've always thought is the most clueless girl in the world just told me that I am clueless about relationship lol...

I've thought about this...he knows what I'm afraid of the most...is that I don't matter. So he's doing me a favor to let me know that I don't. Hurts like a biatch but hey...I'll move on ;)

Back to ground zero...

David Choi is HOT...

one of his songs:

So I'm really asking myself this. Why does it still hurt so much for me to not be invited to his bday party? Yet I know for a fact that he's out having fun and enjoying his bday.

I can't even talk to any of my friends anymore just because I'm tired of telling them the same story for the past year and a half.

I'm sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere...just starring at the ocean..Blogging away with my iPhone...it's very peaceful. The sound of the ocean mixed with my genius mix is very calming...

I want this feeling to go away. I'm praying so hard...I know now when God made me, He, for sure, made me with one obvious flaw, that is the powerless, inability to move on. And I'm praying so hard for this feeling to just go away soon and be replaced with new and better memories.

I'm really sad and I mean it, blog...please make it go away...

what matters

is people in my life who's supportive

Happy Birthday

It's done. My friends are tired to sympathize...let alone empathize...I'm empty inside. Happy Birthday. It's not about me today. It's about you :) have fun

Come Home

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

what would you do when you're bored?