Beautifully Imperfect...

Won't Even Start....

So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talks anyways...

Cuz if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start...
No I won't even start...

.

I'm loosening my grip and dropping it on the ground...

Exciting weekend. Can't wait.

Thanks.

For doing me a favor.

It's funny how the friend that I've always thought is the most clueless girl in the world just told me that I am clueless about relationship lol...

I've thought about this...he knows what I'm afraid of the most...is that I don't matter. So he's doing me a favor to let me know that I don't. Hurts like a biatch but hey...I'll move on ;)

Back to ground zero...

David Choi is HOT...

one of his songs:

So I'm really asking myself this. Why does it still hurt so much for me to not be invited to his bday party? Yet I know for a fact that he's out having fun and enjoying his bday.

I can't even talk to any of my friends anymore just because I'm tired of telling them the same story for the past year and a half.

I'm sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere...just starring at the ocean..Blogging away with my iPhone...it's very peaceful. The sound of the ocean mixed with my genius mix is very calming...

I want this feeling to go away. I'm praying so hard...I know now when God made me, He, for sure, made me with one obvious flaw, that is the powerless, inability to move on. And I'm praying so hard for this feeling to just go away soon and be replaced with new and better memories.

I'm really sad and I mean it, blog...please make it go away...

what matters

is people in my life who's supportive

Happy Birthday

It's done. My friends are tired to sympathize...let alone empathize...I'm empty inside. Happy Birthday. It's not about me today. It's about you :) have fun

Come Home

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

what would you do when you're bored?

Finally...

It's 6 PM and I'm just barely functioning right now...I HAVE to blog this...

I just had the scariest experience ever last night...It started with me going to bed after finishing "The End of The Affair." I kept tossing and turning trying to go to bed but I couldn't...then when I was finally falling asleep...I heard this really loud, screeching, almost like a monster screaming noise in my left ear....I tried ignoring it...then...all of the sudden...I'm starting to feel a little eerie...so I just started praying "Our Father" over and over again until I fell asleep...

Then a little while after that...I felt like there was this thing that was trying to get into my body...I SWEAR the feeling was sooooo real....It was really really scary I could feel that my soul was forced out of my body...I was trying to move my fingers, I couldn't, then I was trying to scream...yet I felt sooo weak and I couldn't....so then I started praying "Our Father" again but this time in Indonesian...I think the panic kicked in....but then I realized...maybe whatever this thing is that was trying to get inside me doesn't understand Indonesian...lol...so I started praying "Our Father" in English...over and over again...I could feel it was trying to fight it too....then finally I woke up screaming....I was sweating and my body was super warm...it was 5 A.Mish...

I couldn't call anyone...I didn't wanna wake up Leen cuz she had work today...so I called my brother...told him everything...then being a hardcore Christian he is, he started to pray for me over the phone....I cried...but I think it's because I just miss my brother...then he told me to play some Christian songs....thank GOD for Josh Groban lol....then, of course, my parents called...my Mom was so cute...she's not a Catholic...but she told me to wear my cross necklace that I have since junior high...

I finally fell asleep around 7 AM....

Strangest thing was...there's this split moment after I woke up screaming...this termendous hate towards Nathan....I don't know why...I think it's the movie I saw...how this character hated the woman he's in love with because she's dead...

I think I had that feeling because for a very small fraction of nanosecond, I wish he was there for me.

But yeah....scariest moment of my life.

Get over it

Having mutual acquaintances with your ex is highly not advised.

Cuz then they'll just ruin your Saturday without them even realizing it.

*SIGH*

Get over it, YO

Just when I thought I don't matter...

Love you, P!!!

2 hours of nothingness

So I got locked out of my own apartment while doing laundry today. While waiting for Leen to get home, I just sat myself at the laundry room...pondering...

I had a nice conversation this morning with a new friend. Then it made me realize that my biggest fear is that I just don't matter to people who matter for me....

...then, of course, I thought of Bong. I think my biggest fear is that I am just like any other ex that he's been with. I know it shouldn't matter...because the past is the past.

But for some reason, my ego is getting in a way and I just want to matter, in one form or another, in his life at some point.

Simple moments like when he's showing his new future bf how to do a step dance...will it remind him of me? or when he goes back to Kauai with his best friend...or when he listens to some songs...

Because I still think of him when march madness is here, when North Carolina wins, when I hear certain songs like "More Than Words" or "Rendezvous"

Just like what Mark said...pondering is not good for me at least for now ahhaha...damn clumsiness!!! I wouldn't have thought about this if I wasn't locked out hahah...I guess the title says it all...it is, afterall, 2 hours of NOTHINGNESS :)

Hook Up Site

So...I started to sign up on this site to meet new friends. It is notoriously known as a hook up site but here's what my profile says:

I am aware that this is a hookup site.
I'm taking my chances...

Guys need sex, I know.
But one night stands or online random hookups are tacky...

I'm looking for friends. I believe it all starts from there. Just moved to LA. Looking for a nice tour guide to show me around.

I'm old-fashioned.

No daddies please.

Thanks for reading...seriously...I know most of you don't. ;)

I've gotten some interesting responses....here's some I wanna share...

user#1: nice u play for $?

user#2: what is up tonight.. are you a horny tonight?

user#3: Hi, how are you man? Hey i was wondering if its cool with you to try out, i have a fantasy of meeting a cool guy who is HIV NEGATIVE/DD FREE that likes to get head for a while. My fantasy is giving a guy some sort of "gift" if you might find it cool to try out. i'm not looking for an escort or anything crazy like that , lol. Just someone that might find it kind of erotic to act out and have a cool time. I'm cool also to just orally service you and not try the fantasy if you just enjoy getting head, no worries, that's cool as well and also make new friends in the process. i am in the Sherman Oaks area; i do live alone if its easier for you to travel. I can travel out as well. I'm James by the way. Just let me know and maybe we can chat and figure something out to meet. Take care man.

As if being gay is not hard enough...*sigh*. All they think about is sex, sex, and sex. =[

Courtesy of Maria

So I took this quiz that Maria posted on her blog and damn, this quiz kinda read me lol...from the way I dress? Hmmmmm interesting...just something fun to share with y'all ;)

What others see from your style

Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.

What your nightclothes reveal

You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

What others see from your ties

You are kind and friendly. You are an uncomplicated person and enjoy exciting activities.

What others see from your belts

You are a lonely and demanding person. You are hardworking as well as intelligent, and can be passionate when in love.

What others see from your shoes

You're very young at heart. You regard freedom highly and don't like to be controlled by a set of rules. You don't like conflict, will compromise wherever possible, and are hardworking people. Occasionally you can become vulnerable when having to face problems, especially emotional ones.

What others see from your earrings

You are probably a free spirit at heart with artistic talent. You are absolutely unique and are always coming up with lots of great ideas. Being happy is your most important goal.

The last analysis

You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.

that one person u call when u have troubles....

Just saw Closer again at Erik's place and it sorta brought me back to real life where I feel like obsession and love can get pretty blurry...was I obsessed with Bong? I don't know...I do know that when Erik described his relationship with his ex...it definitely is NOT what I have with Bong...they still call each other when they wanna have that one person to talk to...it's like they have that connection that will last even when they're not together...

Me? I went down my list on my iPhone when I want that one person to talk to...if that one person isn't available..then I go to the next one...lol...it's sad but HEY, at least I have people to talk to...it's just that...sometimes it's nice to be that FIRST person to be called when that someone needs someone to talk to.....

Had a conference call with Adi and Erik this afternoon...that was fun...they will forever be my boys no matter what :) I just wish I have that one extended group of friends that I can hang with just like how they have their own....I envy their social lives...but I am forever grateful for their friendship...

morning thoughts...

I had a dream about Bong...it was kinda blurry...I don't remember much about it but I just remember waking up feeling just a little uneasy. I think I'm going to take some of my friends' advices to actually go and see a shrink. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I really need it...well at least not first in my priority but eventually I think I will see a shrink ahhaha...

I had a nice night last night...hung out with Tinia and her fiance, Harry, we saw "I love you, man." It was a hilarious movie...I had a couple of good laughs...that's all that matter =).

My closet broke. That's just another thing that I have to deal with. It's kinda funny actually but I am not liking the fact that I have to deal with the property management fixing it for a couple of days. On top of that, I finally liked the feeling of me settling down in my new place....but this whole thing happened...hahaha...oh well...small things though...

Listening to John Legend now and putting it on shuffle...I feel relaxed...more thoughts later..

I feel you, Kate Monster...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.