grief

my puffy eyes are starring at this blank, empty screen on my blog yet again...

I want to write something meaningful, something that will make me look back and remind me from time to time that I love my nanny dearly and that I will always miss her with all my heart.

She passed this morning right after I sent her off...over the phone...

"You can go now, you don't have to worry about me." that's the rough English translation of it...I said it to her in a Chinese dialect, Hakka, a language that I can speak quite fluently; she took the full credit on this.

Right after I said that, she passed...

All my family pointed out the obvious to me, in the midst of me trying to keep my composure, reminding me that I have been preparing myself for this.

"She was really waiting to hear your voice," my brother, my mom, and one of my cousin said that to me. I broke down.

All I could remember of were the times I was mean to her when I was a teenager. All I could think of was I haven't had a chance to apologize to her. My guilt starts kicking in...I was upset. Then I felt alone...thankfully not too long because I called my sister right away...and I got to spend time with her and my nieces, which help tremendously.

I still don't know how to mourn. I feel empty and sad. I feel angry at those who told me to be strong and I feel like a jackass telling some friends of mine who went through this experience to be strong...because no matter what, loosing someone you love is not easy.

But I know I will be okay. I know in the midst of this heartbreaking experience, God has His ways on guiding me through the great attentions I get from my dear friends, family, and a new relationship I am in.

Telling a story of how you passed is a start...there will be a lot more stories that will remind me of you. I love you a lot and you will be missed, Kice. I am never a person I am today if it's not because of you. I know you're in a better place right now. Rest in peace....and say hi to Belle for me.