Finally...

It's 6 PM and I'm just barely functioning right now...I HAVE to blog this...

I just had the scariest experience ever last night...It started with me going to bed after finishing "The End of The Affair." I kept tossing and turning trying to go to bed but I couldn't...then when I was finally falling asleep...I heard this really loud, screeching, almost like a monster screaming noise in my left ear....I tried ignoring it...then...all of the sudden...I'm starting to feel a little eerie...so I just started praying "Our Father" over and over again until I fell asleep...

Then a little while after that...I felt like there was this thing that was trying to get into my body...I SWEAR the feeling was sooooo real....It was really really scary I could feel that my soul was forced out of my body...I was trying to move my fingers, I couldn't, then I was trying to scream...yet I felt sooo weak and I couldn't....so then I started praying "Our Father" again but this time in Indonesian...I think the panic kicked in....but then I realized...maybe whatever this thing is that was trying to get inside me doesn't understand Indonesian...lol...so I started praying "Our Father" in English...over and over again...I could feel it was trying to fight it too....then finally I woke up screaming....I was sweating and my body was super warm...it was 5 A.Mish...

I couldn't call anyone...I didn't wanna wake up Leen cuz she had work today...so I called my brother...told him everything...then being a hardcore Christian he is, he started to pray for me over the phone....I cried...but I think it's because I just miss my brother...then he told me to play some Christian songs....thank GOD for Josh Groban lol....then, of course, my parents called...my Mom was so cute...she's not a Catholic...but she told me to wear my cross necklace that I have since junior high...

I finally fell asleep around 7 AM....

Strangest thing was...there's this split moment after I woke up screaming...this termendous hate towards Nathan....I don't know why...I think it's the movie I saw...how this character hated the woman he's in love with because she's dead...

I think I had that feeling because for a very small fraction of nanosecond, I wish he was there for me.

But yeah....scariest moment of my life.

Get over it

Having mutual acquaintances with your ex is highly not advised.

Cuz then they'll just ruin your Saturday without them even realizing it.

*SIGH*

Get over it, YO

Just when I thought I don't matter...

Love you, P!!!

2 hours of nothingness

So I got locked out of my own apartment while doing laundry today. While waiting for Leen to get home, I just sat myself at the laundry room...pondering...

I had a nice conversation this morning with a new friend. Then it made me realize that my biggest fear is that I just don't matter to people who matter for me....

...then, of course, I thought of Bong. I think my biggest fear is that I am just like any other ex that he's been with. I know it shouldn't matter...because the past is the past.

But for some reason, my ego is getting in a way and I just want to matter, in one form or another, in his life at some point.

Simple moments like when he's showing his new future bf how to do a step dance...will it remind him of me? or when he goes back to Kauai with his best friend...or when he listens to some songs...

Because I still think of him when march madness is here, when North Carolina wins, when I hear certain songs like "More Than Words" or "Rendezvous"

Just like what Mark said...pondering is not good for me at least for now ahhaha...damn clumsiness!!! I wouldn't have thought about this if I wasn't locked out hahah...I guess the title says it all...it is, afterall, 2 hours of NOTHINGNESS :)

Hook Up Site

So...I started to sign up on this site to meet new friends. It is notoriously known as a hook up site but here's what my profile says:

I am aware that this is a hookup site.
I'm taking my chances...

Guys need sex, I know.
But one night stands or online random hookups are tacky...

I'm looking for friends. I believe it all starts from there. Just moved to LA. Looking for a nice tour guide to show me around.

I'm old-fashioned.

No daddies please.

Thanks for reading...seriously...I know most of you don't. ;)

I've gotten some interesting responses....here's some I wanna share...

user#1: nice u play for $?

user#2: what is up tonight.. are you a horny tonight?

user#3: Hi, how are you man? Hey i was wondering if its cool with you to try out, i have a fantasy of meeting a cool guy who is HIV NEGATIVE/DD FREE that likes to get head for a while. My fantasy is giving a guy some sort of "gift" if you might find it cool to try out. i'm not looking for an escort or anything crazy like that , lol. Just someone that might find it kind of erotic to act out and have a cool time. I'm cool also to just orally service you and not try the fantasy if you just enjoy getting head, no worries, that's cool as well and also make new friends in the process. i am in the Sherman Oaks area; i do live alone if its easier for you to travel. I can travel out as well. I'm James by the way. Just let me know and maybe we can chat and figure something out to meet. Take care man.

As if being gay is not hard enough...*sigh*. All they think about is sex, sex, and sex. =[

Courtesy of Maria

So I took this quiz that Maria posted on her blog and damn, this quiz kinda read me lol...from the way I dress? Hmmmmm interesting...just something fun to share with y'all ;)

What others see from your style

Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.

What your nightclothes reveal

You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

What others see from your ties

You are kind and friendly. You are an uncomplicated person and enjoy exciting activities.

What others see from your belts

You are a lonely and demanding person. You are hardworking as well as intelligent, and can be passionate when in love.

What others see from your shoes

You're very young at heart. You regard freedom highly and don't like to be controlled by a set of rules. You don't like conflict, will compromise wherever possible, and are hardworking people. Occasionally you can become vulnerable when having to face problems, especially emotional ones.

What others see from your earrings

You are probably a free spirit at heart with artistic talent. You are absolutely unique and are always coming up with lots of great ideas. Being happy is your most important goal.

The last analysis

You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.

that one person u call when u have troubles....

Just saw Closer again at Erik's place and it sorta brought me back to real life where I feel like obsession and love can get pretty blurry...was I obsessed with Bong? I don't know...I do know that when Erik described his relationship with his ex...it definitely is NOT what I have with Bong...they still call each other when they wanna have that one person to talk to...it's like they have that connection that will last even when they're not together...

Me? I went down my list on my iPhone when I want that one person to talk to...if that one person isn't available..then I go to the next one...lol...it's sad but HEY, at least I have people to talk to...it's just that...sometimes it's nice to be that FIRST person to be called when that someone needs someone to talk to.....

Had a conference call with Adi and Erik this afternoon...that was fun...they will forever be my boys no matter what :) I just wish I have that one extended group of friends that I can hang with just like how they have their own....I envy their social lives...but I am forever grateful for their friendship...

morning thoughts...

I had a dream about Bong...it was kinda blurry...I don't remember much about it but I just remember waking up feeling just a little uneasy. I think I'm going to take some of my friends' advices to actually go and see a shrink. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I really need it...well at least not first in my priority but eventually I think I will see a shrink ahhaha...

I had a nice night last night...hung out with Tinia and her fiance, Harry, we saw "I love you, man." It was a hilarious movie...I had a couple of good laughs...that's all that matter =).

My closet broke. That's just another thing that I have to deal with. It's kinda funny actually but I am not liking the fact that I have to deal with the property management fixing it for a couple of days. On top of that, I finally liked the feeling of me settling down in my new place....but this whole thing happened...hahaha...oh well...small things though...

Listening to John Legend now and putting it on shuffle...I feel relaxed...more thoughts later..

I feel you, Kate Monster...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

In a relationship

That's right! I am in a relationship now!!! With my new baby!!!! :D. Just like when you first got into one, you say, "She/he is soo not my type...but I end up with her/him anyway..." Totally how I feel right now lol...

May I introduce you to....my ride...not sure bout the name yet...ideas???




Crazy...I know...I never ever thought that I would drive a bimmer in my entire life. But then again, I believe that everything happens for a reason. My brother in law is selling his bimmer because he got a new car...he sold it for me for a 'family' price. I trust him for taking care of it because he is a car kinda guy. Plus, it eliminated the hassle of me buying a second-hand car from a stranger, which is gonna cost me pretty much the same for a lower quality car.

Highlight of my weekend down in OC:

I was hanging out with Calie when she was having her dinner....I got hungry so I was munching on some peanuts...she looked at me and wanted some...afraid that she'd choke on it, my immediate reasoning was to tell her that peanuts are adults' snacks. Then she asked...when will she be an adult...I said...it will be a while....she then said, "I want it to be faster..." I immediately looked her in the eyes and said..."Honey, you don't want to rush it...remember this....take your time growing up...you won't regret it."

Saying that to a 3-year-old has definitely reminded me how sometimes, you just wanna rush into things cuz life just passes you by without you even enjoying the ride or knowing it...

*sigh* I swear sometimes I feel like Calie teaches me way more than I teach her....

that papercut ache you feel but it's on your heart...

Hi,

It's been a year and some odd months ever since I broke up with Bong. I am still paying for my dues. At least I'm at the point where I really really genuinely want to move on. I cannot wait to get a job so I can just stay focus on that.

I heard from a good friend today that you had your birthmark removed. As soon as I heard that...I suddenly felt this small, little heartache...kinda like a papercut...I just feel like that's a part of you that I really really love and adore...and now it's gone...

Then I am reminded of how much I am out of your life now. I'm really really slowly fading into the background just like what Ne Yo said hahahaha....I don't know you anymore.

Maybe I should see this as a good sign :) for me to move on. No more those familiar things that keeps me from thinking of you.

Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye for real...no more Bong that I was madly in love with. That Bong is gone...

an update...just for you, P.

So...I moved to L.A.

People had been asking me when I was up north..."How do you feel?"

Honestly, I was indifferent about it. I just felt like it needed to be done. I feel I will have a better chance in finding a job here. Not to mention, coming home to a familiar face is always nice. Leen was my roommate before I moved to SF. We're comfortable to each other and we seem like we know what our roles are when it comes to house chores.

I had a farewell thing with the boys (4 minutes) from SF and after that night, I just wished I spent more time with them because they are all nice. I could see myself being close to all of them.

One thing that I also missed was the ability to walk outside without feeling out of place. I can't really do that here just because people actually drive to go from point A to point B. I'm gonna have to get used to that whole So Cal lifestyle again.

Of course, I miss P. Just going to her place and have random dinner and a glass of wine or whatever.

It sucks to not have my life where I want it to be now but I am hoping and praying to God that it will get better. In the mean time, whoever read this, please pray for me...

Something to share....my new apt

A view when you walked into our apartment

Kitchen is on the right side...you can tell we don't have furniture yet...lol

Our Kitchen

Inspired by Pen's room...I put curtains before you walk into my side of room

A view when the curtain is opened

My bathroom on the left after you walk through the curtain

My bedroom on the right

Looking out from inside the curtain

A little peek of my bedroom...still not organized/messy

A little peek of Leen's room...much more organized...

Ramble Ramble Bla bLa Bla

Hello,

Just a little update about my life.

First off, I have to be honest, I feel like my life has been kinda all over the place lately. I guess it's because I have NO IDEA where my life is going to be one month from now.

I decided to leave SF.

Yes.

I know.

Leen was asking me if this is another "running away" attempt that I am pulling. And I thought to myself before answering that question...then I answered..."I think I am actually paying it back right now because I was running away before."

Don't get me wrong...I'm glad it happened. I wouldn't have met great people here and my friendship with Prelita wouldn't have been developed.

I also have to be honest that I am kinda excited to live in LA with Leen. I am just hoping and praying to God that I will find a JOB soon!!!

I have also been working part time with Annie which I have to admit, helps me a little bit to get going and make my days a little more productive.

Random stuff that I have in mind:

• Not too fond of family drama...then again...who is?
  
• Had weird but nice dinner with the Ex
• When I was walking back home this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about the Ex
• I don't know why
• Kelly Clarkson's New Album is awesome
• I like Estelle's album too
• I miss Simba...so much
• I miss Calie....
• I miss my brother
• I miss my Dad
• I wanna go to China with my Dad
• I imagine how my life would be a lot different if I'm not gay
• I love rain...sometimes...
• I don't have game...case in point: this guy came up to me last night and told me that I'm cute bla bla bla...instead of saying thanks and asking his name...i asked..."why?" lol....totally killed it.
  

Just want to count my blessings instead of focusing on negative stuff :) thanks, loved ones !

Bleh...

I must admit...it's been a hard week for me. I woke up each and every day thinking what should I do today to make me feel productive. I've applied to jobs, haven't heard from all of the interviews I've been to. I mean...seriously...I'm feeling a little disorganized. I have all the time in my world now and I starting to miss Bong again...a lot. *sigh* I hope things will get better...I know it will.

Sex in a relationship?

Honestly, this is just another rant from another complex guy, trying to make it in this world. I'm sure there's a lot of entries that are similar to what I'm about to ponder...

Sex in a relationship...how important is this?

I had a conversation with one of my dear friends last night discussing about this. He pretty much is struggling with his relationship right now because he's just not satisfied physically...HOWEVER, emotionally, his lover is completely competent in fulfilling that. I mean, yes, it can sound really shallow. BUT, at the same time, the boy has needs. And honestly, this goes beyond just pure sex. It's about attraction, it's about chemistry.

The more we discussed about it last night, the more I appreciate the rarity of finding that right person, to just have a chemistry with...

Then, of course, I looked back...with what I had with Bong....again....

How everything was just there. Chemistry, attraction, and most importantly, passion.

We fought our hearts out...then we make up.

I don't know if this is actually good or bad....but I know for a fact that I can never felt like that to a person ever again...

Very Productive Day

I FINALLY re-designed my website!!!!! Please check it out:

www.yoniusdesign.com

Also, totally into ABDC Season 3 now...my top three crews thus far: