'Leen' on me

I have to dedicate this weekend to my roommate, Leen. Thanks to her, I FINALLY started my first summer weekend. With both of our crazy schedules these past few weeks, we haven't had a chance to explore LA and hung out til this weekend. I gotta share...

It started on Thursday night, where she made a couple of drinks for us and then we went through my Downelink account to look for potential dates for me. That was fun...as she puts it, I can't just sit and wait for guys to message me...it's my turn to "send out my resume" to them. Hahah. She said, "It's just like looking for a job..you send out a lot of resumes...then you get an 'interview' and then you get the job!" ahaha....So we did...it was fun...we made fun of people, we laughed...all good..

Then Friday night, we went to see Tyrone Wells at Trubadour in West Hollywood. We got there early and I haven't had dinner yet. So we walked to the nearest restaurant to get something to eat real quick since, as Leen puts it, WeHo is "my hood" hahaha...the coolest thing was when we walked to the restaurant, we bumped into Tyrone Wells, the man of the night himself, I called him "Tyrone!" and he stopped and shook our hands and thanked us for coming to the show...that was cool :)

Leen and I @ Hamburger Haven

Tyrone, the man.

Saturday night, Leen got us tickets to go see a comedy show at The Laugh Factory. It was the best night ever! It was my first time as it was for Leen. I laughed like there was no tomorrow, I haven't laughed like that in a while. Then after the show ended, we walked to a bar called Lola's and had a glass of martini there. Then Erik picked us up to go to Akbar in Silverlake...that was ok..I think we had our fun regardless. We had our sinful, backstreet love action with a cup of Rocky Road and a cup of Chocolate Mint ice cream...yummm..

Us, in front of The Laugh Factory

In front of Akbar, they have this bubble machine, it was fun!

This is us, everyday, I give her love, she gives me a slap..*sigh*

Yo, Leen, Thong(?!!)

Then the next day, to counteract our love action, Leen and I went running at the Will Rogers beach (supposedly the gay beach of L.A.) then met up again with Erik and his friends there...shall I say, it was an interesting beach...you seriously will know when you go to that beach that it IS a gay beach...lol...98% of the guys there have chiseled body like those guys in A&F catalogs. You hear either Mariah Carey, Madonna, or Beyonce's songs on their portable iPod boom boxes....some of the guys also dance along with the music...Also, I'm starting to think that Volley ball is a gay sport...hahaha...but hey, we got our tan...oh! and I attempted to make new friends while I was there too...I volunteered myself to play volley with one of the groups there...I was pretty proud of myself!! :D

@ Will Rogers Beach

And to end the day? We went to The Boiling Crab!!!!!! FINALLY! I've been telling Leen that once I get a job, we're going there to celebrate! the thing is, we gotta go back there because Leen paid for dinner LoL...for sure the next time we go there, it's my turn!! :) Of course, can't end the night without Boba! ha!

I was ready !!!!

I'm good, I feel good, I wake up happy....The days are just getting better and better :). I knew I can count on my close friends! Next, it's time to follow Ms. LifeofMod's idea: get a gold fish. And I shall name it "rebound" hahaha. OH, and Happy Birthday, Doris :)

closure

Whenever I chat or express my feelings to my friends, when it comes to my inability to move on, several people say that maybe I need a closure. I really didn't understand what it means...I mean...I think I kinda get the concept...but never really knew what it actually meant...I even had to look it up on the dictionary hahaa...FOB...

So I listened...not only to my friends...but to my heart...for the mere reason that I cannot keep living like these past couple of weeks...I went to bed sad...I woke up sad..thinking that Bong is with someone else...but also..wondering if what he said to me was true...that I'm his biggest regret...that he really loved me, etc...

So my last resort was to write him an email...explaining that I needed my "closure" but really, what I want him to know is that I'm here as a friend. That MJ's song "I'll be there" is really how I feel about him.

He then wrote me back...short and simple by saying...of course he's up for being friends...and that he wants me to meet his new guy..to put it in a verbatim way, he said,"...he takes care of me and I do the same."

my first thought was...I'm fine...second thought that came after that...damn, I have REALLY been replaced....the thought that comes after that? Wow, he really is happy...there goes my 'closure' right there...

What have I learned? I learned that for me, letting go is actually to really know that the person that you really care for is happy without you. I just needed to know that. It may be different for other people. They can just let it go...but for me...I just have to know...

Now, I can finally let go of the thought that we may end up together. I'm happy if he is :). It may be too soon for me to meet the new guy but I would love to one day. I'm just really glad you are happy...now, it's my time to find the one who takes care of me, and I do the same ;)

Hi, Closure....my name is Yonius...nice to meet you. :)

10 Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

“The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it is immense. We send starships. We fall in love.”

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You

Girl you know I'm always thinking of you
Haven't seen the summer since I saw you
Baby don't worry 'bout us
I feel your love
I feel you inside

And I wish I was there
Just to run my hands through your hair
And I'm just afraid
Cause this is the first time
That I'm not loving you
And I'm not loving you

NO MORE BLUE...please :(

I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!
I HAVE TO BE HAPPY FOR HIM!

This is how lost I am...went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's and I picked up this wine...

Apparently, going to bed and waking up in the morning is the shittiest part of the day when you're heart broken.

I pray and pray every night and in the morning...please...just let me out of this misery. Give me peace to let him go.

I just wanna be like that smiley face on the bottle....please turn my frown upside down...:(

my first audio blog

It's about the same thing...same problem that i've been wallowing for this past two years...so don't say I didn't warn you ;)

voiceblog_June2809 - Yonius Saritoh

FACEBOOK IS EVIL

I gave up on it. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough...yet...I heard from a friend that more old people are signing up anyway...like their aunts and uncles..and moms and dads...so Facebook ain't cool in my book anymore.

Every time I see his name even only when he 'likes' a status update of our acquaintance gives me a sting. I don't like that feeling at all...worst of all...I got to see his new pictures with his new guy...that feels like taking a punch, like someone is pinching my heart real hard...

So I have to avoid it...whatever it takes for me to move on...GOD! I so wanna move on! I'm so ready...I've been ready!

Time to start checking off that list I made now that I have a JOB...:)

On a brighter note, I finally got my own office!! WOOT! well..I gotta share it with the IT dude but I totally have my own space...exciting!

So for those of you who read this...I love you...you're special...call/text if u wanna say hi...i'm only a phone call away...or email even...I'll give you a personal status update ;)

getting out of the blue...

Hi Blog,

I haven't written to you for a while...today deserves a celebration..It's Dad's bday, which falls exactly on Father's Day...my sister had a great idea of doing a little video for my Dad just cuz most of us, including my Mom, are here.



Quick translation:

Me: "Happy Birthday, pa. I wish I can look as good as you when I turn 60."
Ace: "Happy Birthday, pa. Wish you health and don't work too hard!"
Bro in law: "Happy Birthday, pa. Wish you health and prosperity."
Calie...self explanatory
Kara: "Happy Birthday, grandpa!!!"
Mom: "Happy Birthday and wish you great health."

A little update about my life....I FINALLY got a job!! WOOT! and I am starting tomorrow :) I'm really excited because it's what I wanna get into. I'll be in charge of the marketing design of the whole company.

As for the usual stuff...I'm slowly moving on...I think what made it hard was the fact that I was doing my "letting go" on his pace. We were still corresponding, I was still having strong feelings for Bong and he kept it rolling to compensate his lifestyle...I still put him on the pedestal..so when all of the sudden he cuts everything out...it's messing with my balance. Although I broke up with Bong, the reality was my love was being rejected. And I just need to remember that to move on. It's better this way...all the bad things are showing up on the surface to remind me why the relationship failed from the first place.

What's in my thoughts? I'm just SUPER excited to be focusing on my new job :) thank you, GOD!

growing pains

Tinia told me that I'm naive for thinking that his friends are actually my friends too

Just when I thought I'm feeling better...there's always something that makes me feel like taking the bullet.

Slowly...there will be one day, when I feel nothing when I hear of you

starting from zero

I'm a blank canvass

very catchy...

=/

Sooo my Dad is leaving tomorrow and I still haven't found that courage of coming out to him...why? Because I am not where I wanna be at right now. I don't have a job yet and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally. I guess it's true what they say...it's hard to come out...it's also hard not to.

It's been officially almost 5 months of me being unemployed. I can't stand it. I hate it. I feel like none of the things in my life have been accomplished...

I need to keep reminding myself to be really positive...I guess I really can't look anywhere else but up...and for now, just be thankful for the friends I have and the love my family is giving me...especially her...she really has a power of making me smile...

I'm gonna miss my Dad...

Awww...you guys made me ink!!!!

So Erik, Adi and I went to Disneyland yesterday. Thanks to Erik's lasting and strong friendship with his ex, we get to enjoy both parks without paying for it. Granted, we have to buy the ex a drink from each of us...but that's totally worth it! I wish I have the same friendship with my ex like Erik does...(but that's just another blog to write about) ;)

We started late...around 1 p.m. or so...then we started getting all of the fast passes we could get although not a lot...Anyways...not the point of the blog...the point is...all the places I go reminds me of him....including this theme park...I hate it....but what I don't hate is when I'm trying to replace my memories with him with new ones with my boys....they really are my boys and as much as they sometimes "made me ink", I love them.





next place...Hawaii =) but maybe not til later later hahah

[+] [+] [+]

Look at this...


this is a picture of two of my role models

=)

gotta keep telling myself...I will be like them one day...positive, positive, positive....

Family. Love. Drive.

Soooo my parents are here..they've been here for a week now and I am glad that I got to spend time with them. Although sometimes they drive me crazy...but hey, that's why they're called parents, right? :P

A couple of things to share...my parents have been bugging me with the whole girlfriend thing. I am not surprise though because I know I'm at that age. BUT, I really thought that I prepared myself for them to bug me...I was wrong...

It started with my Dad telling me that I need to find someone to share with, cuz then everything will fall into places...he means meeting a girl, then a marriage, then kids...then those things will become factors that will drive me to be a successful man. This whole time he was explaining, my Mom jumped in once in a while too...

I pictured this moment way before my parents arrived. And I pictured myself just rolling my eyes and thinking maybe I should just come out right there and then....but what I didn't picture, is me...sitting there...agreeing with them...I can't help but to think that they're right...I want that drive, I want to be the man in the house that brings home the dough...and when I think of the gay lifestyle, kids don't just come unexpected...they're planned.

I sometimes question..is it cool to jump into things without really knowing anything and just feel your ways around it? No plan...just go, and hope for the best...that's what my Dad did with my Mom...then he had three kids and he's able to afford all of them to go to the U.S. for college.

I want a family. I want to be like my Dad...I want that drive, with the love of my partner, and kids...at one point I felt like I can't have that because I'm gay. But then again, my roommate made me realize that I am what I have now and I should make the most out of it. :) I'm hopeful that one day, at one point, I WILL have the drive that my Dad has.

I wanna be as happy as my Dad, getting the love as tremendous as my Mom's and still hold hands even after they get married for 36 years...=)

passion

What have been keeping me smiling lately...

Thank you, God. =)

Just when I think the going gets tough...He always has His ways in picking myself back up again.

I've been hanging out with my family a lot. My parents are here, I got to spend time a lot with Calie. The cutest thing is when she wanted me to hold her when she sleeps...she really really makes me smile.

Best gift from Him? I'm officially an uncle again!! :)

Welcome, Baby Kara :)

She was born on May 13, 2009 at 3:57 AM, same exact birthday as my Mom's
She is waaayyy calmer than Calie when she was born
She only has one dimple on her right cheek just like her uncle lol...

Now I have two little girls calling me "Soiku" :) can't wait to take em both to Disneyland together...wait...NVM, I can wait...don't want them to grow big too fast just yet.

I'm slowly back :) thanks to You.

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

waking up...

is still the hardest thing to do...

All I think of is that he's out there loving someone else but me...
He's kissing someone else in the morning but me...
He's watching a movie, holding hands with him but not me...

day 5 of sorrow...

let me be.

I'll be back.

I promise.

I watch the sunset, while you watch it rise.
Flame colored teardrops burn in my eyes.
While you find another day, thousands of miles away.
One more night finds me alone, holding on
To the simple and sweetest thought of you-
Its you, its you.
Ill out dance the ocean, parade in the sand.
Waiting for you, Ill wait like no other man.
For you to come into me, lay skin to skin with me.
Making me smile and smile-its been a while.
Still, making my memories come true.
Its you, its you.
I told her all my thoughts on loneliness.
Shared with her all my fears of afraid.
Maybe there's no point trying to paint the picture,
Wondering what if she couldve stayed.
So dont send me no letters, I wont drop you no line.
Things will get better, baby in due time.
Just keep me in your prayer and Ill keep you right here-
Deep in this heart of mine, cause I find,
The only thing that helps me make it through
Is you, its you.

dealing it the way i know how...

Won't Even Start

It's here...

Dear Nathan,

The day I have been dreading is here...funny thing is...the first thing that I thought of was that I won. I was right...I remember when you told me that I will find someone first after we broke up and I said...it's going to be you first....a friend told me today that you're in a relationship with some guy name Denny now.

It hurts....I cried...I'm not gonna lie...all the thoughts of you telling me that you don't want to deal with the whole emotional things in a relationship...that was with me. Obviously that hurts my ego....I'm sad I'm not the one who can make you happy anymore....I've been telling myself that it's over...but for the first time, I actually feel it...that it IS really over now...you have replaced me.

If there's one last thing I can have, I hope at least at one point in our relationship, you felt the love I have for you.

I hope he treats you well...way better than I did to you.

I'll be OK

I'll smile one day

I'm Yours

isn't my song.

funk...leave...

So I'm sitting here, waiting for my delayed flight back to LA...I had fun this weekend for my graduation...although none of my family were at my graduation, my extended ones were :). Trang, Prelita, and Adi...thanks so so so so much for being there...it just reminded me that I am at least a descent human being to have special friends like you guys to be at one of my defining moments in life :)

OK, the real content for this blog...

I've always thought myself as a happy drunk...I guess there's always a first time for everything...I went out to celebrate..and of course, things led from one thing to another...drinks after drinks...shots after shots...then I got drunk...going to the bathroom to throw up is usual when I'm drunk...but this is the unusual part...I started breaking down...to some people, I may be referred as a "sad" drunk. I know there's a lot of things that's on my mind...but damn I've never thought that I'd be one of those people who broke down when I'm intoxicated...I've always been the funny guy when I'm drunk...anyways...I've just realized that I'm actually way sadder than I thought I am...oh well...as Trang would put it...I got it out of my system...

I'm just blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me.

And at least I still tried to be funny even while crying...right, P? :P

Continued...sitting here at the airport, waiting for my flight to SF. So I looked back...then I thought, damn, what is it the one thing that I have achieved, that I'm really really proud of? It took me a couple of seconds to just stop and think about it...I mean, there's the master degree and all... But really... Have I accomplished anything? This 4 months of unemployment really make me feel discouraged :(. I'm going to SF for my graduation. None of my family is coming but I take the blame for not communicating it well to them...I guess I really feel like there's nothing to be celebrated...

It's weird when some acquaintance, whom u haven't seen for years, asked you what have you been upto? Then it kinda made you look back and think of the things that you hve been up to.... I looked back...to be continued...

Beautifully Imperfect...

Won't Even Start....

So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talks anyways...

Cuz if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start...
No I won't even start...

.

I'm loosening my grip and dropping it on the ground...

Exciting weekend. Can't wait.

Thanks.

For doing me a favor.

It's funny how the friend that I've always thought is the most clueless girl in the world just told me that I am clueless about relationship lol...

I've thought about this...he knows what I'm afraid of the most...is that I don't matter. So he's doing me a favor to let me know that I don't. Hurts like a biatch but hey...I'll move on ;)

Back to ground zero...

David Choi is HOT...

one of his songs:

So I'm really asking myself this. Why does it still hurt so much for me to not be invited to his bday party? Yet I know for a fact that he's out having fun and enjoying his bday.

I can't even talk to any of my friends anymore just because I'm tired of telling them the same story for the past year and a half.

I'm sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere...just starring at the ocean..Blogging away with my iPhone...it's very peaceful. The sound of the ocean mixed with my genius mix is very calming...

I want this feeling to go away. I'm praying so hard...I know now when God made me, He, for sure, made me with one obvious flaw, that is the powerless, inability to move on. And I'm praying so hard for this feeling to just go away soon and be replaced with new and better memories.

I'm really sad and I mean it, blog...please make it go away...

what matters

is people in my life who's supportive

Happy Birthday

It's done. My friends are tired to sympathize...let alone empathize...I'm empty inside. Happy Birthday. It's not about me today. It's about you :) have fun

Come Home

Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

what would you do when you're bored?

Finally...

It's 6 PM and I'm just barely functioning right now...I HAVE to blog this...

I just had the scariest experience ever last night...It started with me going to bed after finishing "The End of The Affair." I kept tossing and turning trying to go to bed but I couldn't...then when I was finally falling asleep...I heard this really loud, screeching, almost like a monster screaming noise in my left ear....I tried ignoring it...then...all of the sudden...I'm starting to feel a little eerie...so I just started praying "Our Father" over and over again until I fell asleep...

Then a little while after that...I felt like there was this thing that was trying to get into my body...I SWEAR the feeling was sooooo real....It was really really scary I could feel that my soul was forced out of my body...I was trying to move my fingers, I couldn't, then I was trying to scream...yet I felt sooo weak and I couldn't....so then I started praying "Our Father" again but this time in Indonesian...I think the panic kicked in....but then I realized...maybe whatever this thing is that was trying to get inside me doesn't understand Indonesian...lol...so I started praying "Our Father" in English...over and over again...I could feel it was trying to fight it too....then finally I woke up screaming....I was sweating and my body was super warm...it was 5 A.Mish...

I couldn't call anyone...I didn't wanna wake up Leen cuz she had work today...so I called my brother...told him everything...then being a hardcore Christian he is, he started to pray for me over the phone....I cried...but I think it's because I just miss my brother...then he told me to play some Christian songs....thank GOD for Josh Groban lol....then, of course, my parents called...my Mom was so cute...she's not a Catholic...but she told me to wear my cross necklace that I have since junior high...

I finally fell asleep around 7 AM....

Strangest thing was...there's this split moment after I woke up screaming...this termendous hate towards Nathan....I don't know why...I think it's the movie I saw...how this character hated the woman he's in love with because she's dead...

I think I had that feeling because for a very small fraction of nanosecond, I wish he was there for me.

But yeah....scariest moment of my life.

Get over it

Having mutual acquaintances with your ex is highly not advised.

Cuz then they'll just ruin your Saturday without them even realizing it.

*SIGH*

Get over it, YO

Just when I thought I don't matter...

Love you, P!!!

2 hours of nothingness

So I got locked out of my own apartment while doing laundry today. While waiting for Leen to get home, I just sat myself at the laundry room...pondering...

I had a nice conversation this morning with a new friend. Then it made me realize that my biggest fear is that I just don't matter to people who matter for me....

...then, of course, I thought of Bong. I think my biggest fear is that I am just like any other ex that he's been with. I know it shouldn't matter...because the past is the past.

But for some reason, my ego is getting in a way and I just want to matter, in one form or another, in his life at some point.

Simple moments like when he's showing his new future bf how to do a step dance...will it remind him of me? or when he goes back to Kauai with his best friend...or when he listens to some songs...

Because I still think of him when march madness is here, when North Carolina wins, when I hear certain songs like "More Than Words" or "Rendezvous"

Just like what Mark said...pondering is not good for me at least for now ahhaha...damn clumsiness!!! I wouldn't have thought about this if I wasn't locked out hahah...I guess the title says it all...it is, afterall, 2 hours of NOTHINGNESS :)

Hook Up Site

So...I started to sign up on this site to meet new friends. It is notoriously known as a hook up site but here's what my profile says:

I am aware that this is a hookup site.
I'm taking my chances...

Guys need sex, I know.
But one night stands or online random hookups are tacky...

I'm looking for friends. I believe it all starts from there. Just moved to LA. Looking for a nice tour guide to show me around.

I'm old-fashioned.

No daddies please.

Thanks for reading...seriously...I know most of you don't. ;)

I've gotten some interesting responses....here's some I wanna share...

user#1: nice u play for $?

user#2: what is up tonight.. are you a horny tonight?

user#3: Hi, how are you man? Hey i was wondering if its cool with you to try out, i have a fantasy of meeting a cool guy who is HIV NEGATIVE/DD FREE that likes to get head for a while. My fantasy is giving a guy some sort of "gift" if you might find it cool to try out. i'm not looking for an escort or anything crazy like that , lol. Just someone that might find it kind of erotic to act out and have a cool time. I'm cool also to just orally service you and not try the fantasy if you just enjoy getting head, no worries, that's cool as well and also make new friends in the process. i am in the Sherman Oaks area; i do live alone if its easier for you to travel. I can travel out as well. I'm James by the way. Just let me know and maybe we can chat and figure something out to meet. Take care man.

As if being gay is not hard enough...*sigh*. All they think about is sex, sex, and sex. =[

Courtesy of Maria

So I took this quiz that Maria posted on her blog and damn, this quiz kinda read me lol...from the way I dress? Hmmmmm interesting...just something fun to share with y'all ;)

What others see from your style

Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.

What your nightclothes reveal

You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too.

What others see from your ties

You are kind and friendly. You are an uncomplicated person and enjoy exciting activities.

What others see from your belts

You are a lonely and demanding person. You are hardworking as well as intelligent, and can be passionate when in love.

What others see from your shoes

You're very young at heart. You regard freedom highly and don't like to be controlled by a set of rules. You don't like conflict, will compromise wherever possible, and are hardworking people. Occasionally you can become vulnerable when having to face problems, especially emotional ones.

What others see from your earrings

You are probably a free spirit at heart with artistic talent. You are absolutely unique and are always coming up with lots of great ideas. Being happy is your most important goal.

The last analysis

You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.

that one person u call when u have troubles....

Just saw Closer again at Erik's place and it sorta brought me back to real life where I feel like obsession and love can get pretty blurry...was I obsessed with Bong? I don't know...I do know that when Erik described his relationship with his ex...it definitely is NOT what I have with Bong...they still call each other when they wanna have that one person to talk to...it's like they have that connection that will last even when they're not together...

Me? I went down my list on my iPhone when I want that one person to talk to...if that one person isn't available..then I go to the next one...lol...it's sad but HEY, at least I have people to talk to...it's just that...sometimes it's nice to be that FIRST person to be called when that someone needs someone to talk to.....

Had a conference call with Adi and Erik this afternoon...that was fun...they will forever be my boys no matter what :) I just wish I have that one extended group of friends that I can hang with just like how they have their own....I envy their social lives...but I am forever grateful for their friendship...

morning thoughts...

I had a dream about Bong...it was kinda blurry...I don't remember much about it but I just remember waking up feeling just a little uneasy. I think I'm going to take some of my friends' advices to actually go and see a shrink. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I really need it...well at least not first in my priority but eventually I think I will see a shrink ahhaha...

I had a nice night last night...hung out with Tinia and her fiance, Harry, we saw "I love you, man." It was a hilarious movie...I had a couple of good laughs...that's all that matter =).

My closet broke. That's just another thing that I have to deal with. It's kinda funny actually but I am not liking the fact that I have to deal with the property management fixing it for a couple of days. On top of that, I finally liked the feeling of me settling down in my new place....but this whole thing happened...hahaha...oh well...small things though...

Listening to John Legend now and putting it on shuffle...I feel relaxed...more thoughts later..

I feel you, Kate Monster...

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

In a relationship

That's right! I am in a relationship now!!! With my new baby!!!! :D. Just like when you first got into one, you say, "She/he is soo not my type...but I end up with her/him anyway..." Totally how I feel right now lol...

May I introduce you to....my ride...not sure bout the name yet...ideas???




Crazy...I know...I never ever thought that I would drive a bimmer in my entire life. But then again, I believe that everything happens for a reason. My brother in law is selling his bimmer because he got a new car...he sold it for me for a 'family' price. I trust him for taking care of it because he is a car kinda guy. Plus, it eliminated the hassle of me buying a second-hand car from a stranger, which is gonna cost me pretty much the same for a lower quality car.

Highlight of my weekend down in OC:

I was hanging out with Calie when she was having her dinner....I got hungry so I was munching on some peanuts...she looked at me and wanted some...afraid that she'd choke on it, my immediate reasoning was to tell her that peanuts are adults' snacks. Then she asked...when will she be an adult...I said...it will be a while....she then said, "I want it to be faster..." I immediately looked her in the eyes and said..."Honey, you don't want to rush it...remember this....take your time growing up...you won't regret it."

Saying that to a 3-year-old has definitely reminded me how sometimes, you just wanna rush into things cuz life just passes you by without you even enjoying the ride or knowing it...

*sigh* I swear sometimes I feel like Calie teaches me way more than I teach her....

that papercut ache you feel but it's on your heart...

Hi,

It's been a year and some odd months ever since I broke up with Bong. I am still paying for my dues. At least I'm at the point where I really really genuinely want to move on. I cannot wait to get a job so I can just stay focus on that.

I heard from a good friend today that you had your birthmark removed. As soon as I heard that...I suddenly felt this small, little heartache...kinda like a papercut...I just feel like that's a part of you that I really really love and adore...and now it's gone...

Then I am reminded of how much I am out of your life now. I'm really really slowly fading into the background just like what Ne Yo said hahahaha....I don't know you anymore.

Maybe I should see this as a good sign :) for me to move on. No more those familiar things that keeps me from thinking of you.

Maybe it's time for me to say goodbye for real...no more Bong that I was madly in love with. That Bong is gone...

an update...just for you, P.

So...I moved to L.A.

People had been asking me when I was up north..."How do you feel?"

Honestly, I was indifferent about it. I just felt like it needed to be done. I feel I will have a better chance in finding a job here. Not to mention, coming home to a familiar face is always nice. Leen was my roommate before I moved to SF. We're comfortable to each other and we seem like we know what our roles are when it comes to house chores.

I had a farewell thing with the boys (4 minutes) from SF and after that night, I just wished I spent more time with them because they are all nice. I could see myself being close to all of them.

One thing that I also missed was the ability to walk outside without feeling out of place. I can't really do that here just because people actually drive to go from point A to point B. I'm gonna have to get used to that whole So Cal lifestyle again.

Of course, I miss P. Just going to her place and have random dinner and a glass of wine or whatever.

It sucks to not have my life where I want it to be now but I am hoping and praying to God that it will get better. In the mean time, whoever read this, please pray for me...

Something to share....my new apt

A view when you walked into our apartment

Kitchen is on the right side...you can tell we don't have furniture yet...lol

Our Kitchen

Inspired by Pen's room...I put curtains before you walk into my side of room

A view when the curtain is opened

My bathroom on the left after you walk through the curtain

My bedroom on the right

Looking out from inside the curtain

A little peek of my bedroom...still not organized/messy

A little peek of Leen's room...much more organized...

Ramble Ramble Bla bLa Bla

Hello,

Just a little update about my life.

First off, I have to be honest, I feel like my life has been kinda all over the place lately. I guess it's because I have NO IDEA where my life is going to be one month from now.

I decided to leave SF.

Yes.

I know.

Leen was asking me if this is another "running away" attempt that I am pulling. And I thought to myself before answering that question...then I answered..."I think I am actually paying it back right now because I was running away before."

Don't get me wrong...I'm glad it happened. I wouldn't have met great people here and my friendship with Prelita wouldn't have been developed.

I also have to be honest that I am kinda excited to live in LA with Leen. I am just hoping and praying to God that I will find a JOB soon!!!

I have also been working part time with Annie which I have to admit, helps me a little bit to get going and make my days a little more productive.

Random stuff that I have in mind:

• Not too fond of family drama...then again...who is?
  
• Had weird but nice dinner with the Ex
• When I was walking back home this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about the Ex
• I don't know why
• Kelly Clarkson's New Album is awesome
• I like Estelle's album too
• I miss Simba...so much
• I miss Calie....
• I miss my brother
• I miss my Dad
• I wanna go to China with my Dad
• I imagine how my life would be a lot different if I'm not gay
• I love rain...sometimes...
• I don't have game...case in point: this guy came up to me last night and told me that I'm cute bla bla bla...instead of saying thanks and asking his name...i asked..."why?" lol....totally killed it.
  

Just want to count my blessings instead of focusing on negative stuff :) thanks, loved ones !